


The Bucket List

by kianisabitch



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ADD/ADHD Tony Stark, Abuse, Adorable Tony Stark, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Child Abuse, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dancing in the Rain, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hair Playing, Healing, Homophobia, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Pet Names, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sharing a Bed, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Tony Stark, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Underage Drinking, Very slight Dom/Sub undertones, author is a disaster gay, hydra howard stark, small Tony Stark, soft boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-28 05:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19387903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kianisabitch/pseuds/kianisabitch
Summary: “Am I in the past?” Tony felt woozy when he heard the man’s deep voice and saw the way he glared at Tony like he was going to hurt him. The alcohol was still coursing through his veins and it was late at night and he was terribly confused and this gorgeous man seemed to hate him before he even knew who he was.“I don’t remember much” He sneered at Tony, baring his teeth like a scared animal. “But I certainly know you’re not this young, Howard.” He spit the name out with as much animosity and hate, as Tony himself felt for his father. “And I refuse to kill anyone else. You may think going to the past will help you fix the problems with my conditioning you’re having, but I swear it won’t make a difference. I’m a fighter, asshole, and I refuse to let you use me for that purpose ever again.”ORIn a drunken, suicidal state Tony breaks into one of Howard's super secret warehouses where he finds a preserved Winter Solider. Bucky and Tony decide to finish Tony's Bucket list (The 'Fuck Howard Stark AKA 7 things I want to do before I die' list) and work through both their trauma. In the process the two soft boys dance in the rain, climb roller coasters, share sweet kisses and somehow fall in love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jan_fics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jan_fics/gifts).



> Another surprise fic... Kian is on a roll!! 
> 
> Check out the amazing art this is based on (It's linked at the very beginning and the scene I wrote based off of it) !!
> 
> I fell in love with these adorable teenage Tony the minute I saw this amazing art!! I was literally screaming when I got it during claims and I was so excited and knew that I had to write enough angst, fluff and cute relationship shenanigans to do it justice !! Jan is amazing and it was a pleasure working with them !! WinterIron never gets enough love and it was so much fun getting to brainstorm and obsess over these adorable boys in love.

<https://www.flickr.com/photos/182259996@N04/48138006547/in/dateposted-public/>

The party was never meant to be a blowout kind of party. It was meant to be a dignified collection of his father’s ‘closet’ friends. Rich old people politely toasting him with frothy 40 dollar per ounce glasses of champagne, fixing their pinstripe suit jackets and pearls; scoffing under their breaths at his messy, curly hair sticking up in every direction. He was wearing a grease covered MIT robotics team t-shirt and the rumpled fabric fell near his knees. Tony was tiny and even the smallest size shirt still fit like a dress. 

The boy hadn’t bothered dressing up for his father’s stupid graduation party (he refused to call it his own party, because it really was only for his father’s benefit). Rather he was going for the ‘I just rolled out of bed after a good fuck’ look. His cheeks were rosey and flushed pink. His lips were swollen and chapped, little cuts bleeding every so often from where he bit down when he got too anxious. 

To others, it would appear that he had in fact partaken in a rousing bout of hot sex the previous night. But that was only what he wanted others to think. An image that he had perfectly crafted of a rich, snobby teenager who gave zero fucks and cared more about money and sex than much else. 

In reality, the teenager was far different than that image. Tony knew his lips were swollen due to anxiously biting them and his hair was ruffled due to Rhoday having spent hours last night smoothing his damp curls back as he vomited up far too expensive alcohol for hours. He had consequently laid his head against the cool porcelain bowl of the toilet, musing his permanently messy hair even more as he tried to ease his burning skin. He felt like his an entire world was ending in that moment, everything was crumbling and crashing and burning. But having his best friend there helped him calm down and simply focus on making it to the next morning alive. 

Standing there, looking blissed out after a good fuck but in reality teetering on the edge of full out panic attack, Tony wished he was still vomiting far too expensive alcohol up at three in the morning and leaning into his best friend’s large, warm hands as he comforted him. 

After hours of vomiting, when the boy had no alcohol left in his system to throw up, the two of them had fallen into a fitful sleep- cuddled together on the bathroom floor. When Tony had woken up hours later, screaming as he felt his father’s phantom blows on his body, Rhodey had brought him down from the high of his fear and pain mixing. Playing with his hair and rubbing soothing patterns into his skin, Rhodey had murmered over and over again that he would be alright. 

When Tony had in return insisted over and over again that he was broken and could never ever be fixed, Rhodey had sushed him calmly while peeling the back of a Captain America band-aid away and sticking it the clammy skin under his left eye. He had then continued to soothingly rub the younger boy’s skin, gentle and careful of the spreading purple and blue bruise and deep cut maring the boy’s tan skin. 

By this evening, the bruise had just started to tint green at the corners and the boy knew his dad’s snobby friends were sneering at the childish band-aid covering the deep laceration on his upper check. But Tony ignored their looks. His father would kill him if he didn’t cover the cut, despite him having given it to the boy, and Captain America always made him feel safer (other than the times his father was comparing his many faults to the Captain’s perfection). He knew he was too old to take comfort in superheroes, but he let himself feel small for just a second. 

Tony smirked when the party goers hastily left the moment they realized Howard would not be attending the party. Some of them, particularly the women, would glance at him with a pitying look as they left. Their eyes would rack over the bruised skin and their face would flash with understanding. 

But Tony didn’t want their pity and he flipped them off as soon as their backs were turned, hyper actively bouncing on the balls of his feet and tipping an entire bottle of quite expensive vodka down his throat. The liquid burned as it went down, but he was too bitter to care. If his dad didn’t even show up to his 18 year old valedictorian son’s college graduation party, why would he care if that same son got drunk at it. Howard was drunk for most of his childhood and Tony was simply doing the old man a favor by continuing the tradition of worthless drunks in the family.

The party wasn’t a rager, in fact it was the exact opposite of rager, but it felt like one to the boy. There were no girls grinding needily up against men twice their age, or rowdy drinking games, or teenagers sprawled on the lawn in a puddle of their own vomit. There wasn’t even a cute guy that Tony kept on making eyes at across the room, but knew he couldn’t comfortably flirt with in public. 

No, this was a rager in the sense that Tony’s heart was beating out of his chest as he ran around the room flapping his arms up and down like a bird flaps its wings. Every few minutes he would pinch or hit his skin, as if the short bursts of pain could help release his pent up energy and make him feel even a little bit better. 

He wished Rhodey was there, his best friend never let the boy hurt himself too severely. The first time he had found Tony trying to slice his wrists open with a disposable razor in their dorm room, the man had stuck his own wrist out- insisting that Tony hurt him and not himself. He was selfless in that way and most of the time it made Tony feel even more cruddy and selfish. 

But sadly Rhodey was not there to stop Tony from hurting himself. His father had not allowed the young man to attend the party. Ever the racist, Howard would rather die than let his old, conservative friends see his son’s ‘delinquent negro’ friend. When Tony had tried to convince his father that James Rhodes was not a delinquent and in fact the best person he had ever met… well the black eye spoke for itself. 

Howard Stark was obsessed with appearances, taking care to never hit Tony where others could see the damage. But that logic only applied when he was sober and last night when his father had came barreling into his room drunk, going on about how much of a failure Tony was, Howard had not been careful or thinking about appearances. The glass bottle of liquor smashed inches away from his face, a shard of glass lodging itself into his check a second before his fist had followed. 

Tony had consequently hidden under his bed for hours, like he was five years old again. He laid there with his nose inches away from the bottom of the bed. His wrist was stuffed into his mouth and he bit down hard in order to stop himself from crying out or screaming, as well as causing pain to course through his body; 

When Tony had been a far younger child, he had spent nearly every night hidden under his bed. He was convinced the darkness could protect him from the monster that was his father. 

The small space served to protect his tiny body from being physically broken, snapped in half like a twig when his father was drunk and angry. Howard tended to forget about him when he was out of sight, and when he was in the darkness he could pretend superheroes were going to save him or that he had a different dad that would come and pick him up from this hellhole one day and love him like the fathers who loved their son’s in the movies. 

Most nights Jarvis would pull the terrified boy out from under the bed, hugging him close to his chest, petting his forehead softly and rocking him to a fitful sleep. But some nights Howard lurked outside his son’s bedroom door, refusing to let Jarvis enter and comfort the child. Those were the nights that Tony would wake up in a puddle of his own sweat and urine, terrified of leaving the small space hidden away under his bed. 

As he got older, those always became the days Tony was the most self sacrificing. He would go out and do the most dangerous things. Drink until he blacked out or hookup with random strangers, or cut himself until he was dizzy. All in order to feel the rush of being alive for a single second. 

Last night when Rhodey had returned from the walk Tony had forced him to take, he had coaxed an intoxicated Tony out from his hiding spot under the bed. However, the boy’s mind had been so blurred by alcohol, for a single second he could have sworn it was Jarvis. The first thing had wanted to do when he processed the dark skin and concerned look on his best friends face was scream, but he simply collapsed in on himself crying and grieving the only parental figure he had ever had in his life.

Rhodey had led him to the bathroom in order to drink some water and cool off but was glad they were in the bathroom when Tony keeled over and started vomiting all over the tile floor. 

Now he wished he was still vomiting rather than being all alone in his room, drinking and crying while his father ignored him and had some stupid huge party that Tony didn’t even want or ask for in the first place. If he was still vomiting, at least Rhodey would still be there protecting him. 

Rhodey wouldn’t let him drink until he couldn’t remember or hurt himself in some sort of hyperactive panic when he knew no such thing as impulse control. ADHD was a bitch and it made it really hard for him to function and make good decisions, especially when he was feeling sad or under the influence. 

According to Howard he wasn’t supposed to tell people that he had ADHD. Howard was too proud to have a son who was mentally fucked up and some dumb problem that meant he we couldn’t remember shit or ever sit still. 

But he hated keeping it a secret, because he felt like he was hiding a part of himself that didn’t need to be inherently viewed as something bad. He hated feeling dirty or broken or messed up or really anything less than the accepted societal normal. He hated that he could never remember anything and he hated the way he could never sit still or pay attention or do anything right. His body was hardwired to never stop moving, his mind hardwired to never stop thinking and then forget everything he had thought within minutes. 

The hatred for himself felt all consuming, creeping up on him even when he was insecure or unstable or just needed a fucking break for once in his life. It never left him alone and it felt hard to love himself when he hated a huge chunk of what made him who he was. 

Lack of impulse control was the exact reason Tony was frantically searching his room later that night. He was tipping back a bottle of liquor, guzzling it as he tore his room apart. He winced as it burned his throat, but for the most part ignored it. It should probably concern him that he was so desensitized to the taste and burn of hard liquor, but at least it made him numb. 

He wasn’t sure what he was looking for while tearing through his room. Maybe more liquor to make himself feel numb or a razor blade to make himself feel even more numb than the alcohol could (watching your own blood splash across the tiles and down the drain was addictive). 

But instead his half drunken self found a crumpled up sheet of loose leaf paper, all the way at the bottom of a desk drawer hidden under stacks of college textbooks he would never open again and a three, probably expired, condoms. 

When he first unfolded the crumpled loose leaf he was confused, not even sure of why he was bothering to look at it at all, but then a lopsided grin spread across his face. 

It was that stupid list of things he had written in a drunken stupor last year when he decided his fate was to die young and spectacularly, rather than be a fuck-up for the rest of a long life. It was a pre suicide bucket list a ‘Fuck Howard Stark AKA 7 things I want to do before I die’ list.

Well now was as good a time as any to get started on this list, he thought to himself looking down and smiling. ‘Number 1: Break into one of Howard’s stupid top secret warehouses’- definitely the best way to start the process of going out with a bang.


	2. Chapter 2

Finding the warehouse was easier than one would assume, probably because his genius skills made him one of the only people in the entire world able to accomplish the hacking necessary to achieve his goal. 

Howard thought that he was a piece of shit, and an ADHD disaster and stupid- so the man hadn’t bothered to hide the clues to breaking in very well. He would never expect his idiot son Anthony to be able to make sense of the information, and Tony used his father’s hatred of him to his advantage.

It was actually quite easy to break in. Even within his half drunken state, the boy had the necessary information within 15 minutes or so. He didn’t even have to worry about his father finding him, because the man was too busy in his own state of drunkenness after the failure of a party. 

His mother was off somewhere, probably ignoring the drunk men in her life for fear of either being hurt by Howard or for ignoring Tony when he was being hurt by Howard. He didn’t think his mom was a coward and he truly did love her, but something changed in their relationship the second she let her husband hurt her 11 year old little boy in front of her and said nothing and made no attempt to leave in the coming days. When he was really little, it was easy for him to assume that his mother didn’t know. But after that day he realized that it wasn’t that she didn’t know, it was that he didn’t care.

Getting to the warehouse, for the record, was the very hard part. Tony had a hard time with navigation oriented tasks on the best of days, ADHD was not a fan of directions, so when he was drunk and self hating and somewhat suicidal trying to get anywhere was a huge problem. 

The warehouse was in the middle of nowhere and he had against every warning alarm blaring in his mind driven one of his father’s ridiculously expensive cars out to the middle of nowhere; until he ran out of gas and then he had walked on foot for what felt like an hour, until he made it to the right location. 

When he had made it to the warehouse, a solemn gray building that looked as if it had been carved right from the stone it was nestled in, he had easily entered the necessary codes and went into the small space. 

It was nearly pitch black when the door had first opened, but the second he stepped foot inside and the door slammed shut- lights flickered on overhead. They were eerie and yellow and gave the entire room an artificial warm glow. There were stacks of paper everywhere and Tony wanted to run up and down the room, stomping his feet heavily on the ground and throwing all the stupid papers in the air. 

He wanted to destroy the warehouse, ruin everything and anything in sight. He wanted to make a mess, decimate anything his father cared more than his son about. He wanted Howard to find the warehouse in ruins and wonder who was smart enough to fuck him over that badly. 

Before coming, he had managed to turn the camera off and he was planning on making this a well kept mystery. He would die with this secret when he went to an early grave after completing the list and finally having the courage to off himself and leave this world for good. 

But he didn’t manage to destroy anything, before the boy’s eyes zeroed in on something peculiar across the room. There, sitting in the corner behind stacks and stacks of paper and a few bent hammers and saws, was a large metal container. It looked to be the size of a full grown man, and there was a huge glass window on the upper half of the contrabation. The glass was frosted and glazed over so one could not see the contents inside. 

It looked like the most valuable thing in the room. Tony hastily made his way over, dragging his feet across the floor until he made it to the large container. He ran his hand over the cool metal intrigued. And he almost let out a blood curdling scream when he accidentally hit a large round button on his side and the glass window as well as the bottom half of the door popped open with a large hissing sound.

Large beads of water rolled down the window and a mist wafted out of the container. But Tony wasn’t focusing on those things and rather what, or rather who, was sitting in the container. 

The most beautiful man Tony had ever seen was leaning up against the metal. He had a halo of fluffy, long brown hair framing his sharp jawline and angular cheeks and a little bit of stubble around his chin. His skin was milky and clear and his bare chest showed off his six pack and impressive upper chest. In a creepy way, Tony wanted to reach out and touch the man, but before he possibly could the man’s eye’s slotted open. Light blue eyes stared at him and the entire world seemed to stop for a moment. 

(( <https://www.flickr.com/photos/182259996@N04/48138006547/in/dateposted-public/> ))

The man looked confused beyond belief, but as time passed and he blinked more and more he seemed to come back to himself. Tony acknowledged that the confusion on his own face was probably making the situation worse, but he couldn’t help it. He was so fucking confused. Why did his father have this gorgeous man locked in a metal container in his stupid warehouse? Who was this man? What the actual hell was happening?

“Am I in the past?” Tony felt woozy when he heard the man’s deep voice and saw the way he glared at Tony like he was going to hurt him. The alcohol was still coursing through his veins and it was late at night and he was terribly confused and this gorgeous man seemed to hate him before he even knew who he was. 

“I don’t remember much” He sneered at Tony, baring his teeth like a scared animal. “But I certainly know you’re not this young, Howard.” He spit the name out with as much animosity and hate, as Tony himself felt for his father. “And I refuse to kill anyone else. You may think going to the past will help you fix the problems with my conditioning you’re having, but I swear it won’t make a difference. I’m a fighter, asshole, and I refuse to let you use me for that purpose ever again.” 

Despite the harsh words, the man hunched his whole body in on himself and closed his eyes tight, clearly afraid, and it made Tony want to scream. This man thought he was Howard. He thought he was his abusive, horrible, asshole of a father. 

He felt like his breathing was constricted and he couldn’t focus on anything. He pinched the inside of his wrist, trying not to freak out. He couldn’t have this man thinking he was Howard. No. No. No. He was not Howard. He was not Howard. He was not Howard. He was Tony. Tony. Tony. He couldn’t be Howard. He couldn’t be Howard. He couldn’t be Howard. He needed to be Tony in order to keep his own sense of self for his own sanity. 

The man in front of him cracked his eyes open when he heard Tony’s hyperventilating. He pushed out of the container, now standing on wobbly legs only clad in a pair of torn dark pants. 

“Are… are you ok, Howard?” He asked tentatively, clearly beating himself up over reaching his hand out to lay it on Tony’s shoulder. 

“I’m...I’m... I uh…” Tony stuttered, desperately trying to form words to explain what was happening. His head felt fuzzy and he felt like he was going to vomit all over the floor or pass out. 

“I...uh..I’m no-no-t Howard, I’m To-to-tony.” 

The man looked equally confused now and about to pass out as Tony now. “If you’re not younger Howard, who are you? You look just like him kid and I’m not easily tricked.” The man said matter of factly, still keeping his hand on Tony’s upper arm. It wasn't moving, it just sat there, comforting and large and warm. Big fat tears rolled down Tony’s face and he once again pinched his wrist to feel the pain.

“Hey, hey punk. What are you doing?” The man asked when he saw what Tony was doing, “Just explain what happened and we can work it out together. No need to hurt yourself, doll.” 

Now the hand was rubbing comfortingly at his shoulder, the man seeming to have finally realized that the boy was not a threat. It felt warm and safe and Tony took a deep breath, preparing himself to explain. “Well um, my name is Tony...Stark” he added as an afterthought. “I’m Howard’s son, but don’t worry I hate him too.” He tried to smile to make it funny, but it looked like a grimace and the man in front of him looked concerned. “I um, well you see, I uh really fucking want to die- but I can’t until I finish everything on this list.” He rambled, pulling out the crumpled list from his pocket and smoothing it out. 

“It’s called the ‘Fuck Howard Stark AKA 7 things I want to do before I die’ list… I really do hate that man for the record and it seems like you to do and um ya if you were wondering the 7 things are: 1: break into one of Howard’s stupid top secret warehouses, 2: dance in the rain, 3: get a nose piercing, 4: climb a roller coaster, 5: tell myself I love me and really mean it, 6: try Mama Rhodes’s Cooking, 7: fall in love” Tony tried not to blush at some of the more personal items, but nonetheless plowed forward. “Um ya so I was going for number one and that’s how I found you. I have to admit I was thinking about just destroying my dad's important shit and really wasn’t planning on meeting anyone.”

The man laughed and the sound was surprisingly warm and all consuming. It made Tony smile and his cheeks tint red. 

“I can’t say I was planning on meeting anyone either. Last thing I remember was them stuffing me back into that case after I started remembering too much about my past life.” Tony felt too intoxicated to question what that meant, but he understood that someone must have really hurt this poor, beautiful young man. 

And there is something so incredibly telling about the fact that even though this man is young and confused and clearly feeling broken, he was still being kind to a teenager he did not know who looked just like a younger version of a man he so clearly was terrified of. Something was clearly really special about the person standing in front of him. 

“But if you hate Howard as much as I do we are sure to get along great, pal” The man stuck out his hand to shake Tony’s. It was large and warm to the touch, despite him having just come out of a giant freezing cold container, and it made Tony smile. “I’m Bucky and it’s nice to meetcha.” He frowned slightly then, “now about this whole ‘wanting to die thing’, that’s a no go on my part, pal. You’re too cute and young to want to die, you have your entire life in front of you, kid. Don’t waste it by focusing on your imminent death.” He tilted his head to the side, letting his long hair fall into his face. “But I can help you finish that list of yours. I’m really hoping to get my ass out of here before anyone realizes I’m gone and maybe it’ll make you want to live more.”

Tony truly doubted it would raise his will to live more already feeling like he was about to tumblr out of this existence, but Bucky seemed so earnest and kind and like he really truly cared. So Tony smiled, nodding his head slowly because he still felt partially intoxicated. 

“Alright kid, let’s get out of here.” Bucky paused and laughed a full, deep chuckle. “I have to admit, I’m not sure where we are right now. But you look like you need a hug right now a lot more than I do and seeing as I just woke up after being stuffed in a giant metal cage thingy, that truly says a lot. So I can definitely lead the way, pal, maybe we can find a hotel room or something or somewhere to camp out while we figure this entire thing out.”

Tony felt like he should most likely volunteer to lead the way, seeing as he is the one from this area and presumably from this time as well; not to mention he was the person who had found the other. 

He should step up and take responsibility. But there was something so enthralling about taking a step back and just feeling small and letting Bucky lead the way. So he tipped his head down, wrapping his sweater over his palms and gnawing at his lips. He was nervous, but something about this man made him feel safe and he needed someone to lean on and support him. 

“Let’s go now, doll.” Bucky’s large hand was warm within his own small one and the boy let himself be pulled towards the door.

Before they left, Bucky flipped off the warehouse as the lights flickered off when the door opened. “Thanks for nothing, assholes.”


	3. Chapter 3

The rain was rolling down the window next to the bed in giant, glittering liquid sheets. Thunder had been cracking every few minutes earlier in the evening, lightning illuminating the room in a ghostly glow. But now, far later in the night, the rain was calm and pleasant sounding. 

He counted the raindrops like they were heartbeats and a reminder that he was alive. He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about that fact. Life felt all messed up at the moment. He was confused and still mildly hungover, but not quite at the point where he felt like he was losing it all. Rather, he felt like he was existing in a state between the goods and the bads happening in his life. 

It was chilly in the motel room they had settled in after finally leaving the warehouse. Tony was nearly silent on the journey back from the warehouse, rather feeling small and complacent. Every few seconds he would nervously twitch or fidget, but other than that he was extremely placid. The journey was not boring however, because every few minutes Bucky would share something else with him (after clearly deducing that Tony was not in the mood to speak at all). 

It started with basic facts, him being was 22 years old and from Brooklyn. He had a best friend named Steve, who just so happened to be Captain fucking America, which made Tony somewhat excited but also a little nauseous because Howard had made it very clear that Steve Rogers was his top priority always. He hadn’t seen the man in years and missed him dearly, which made Tony sad and want to wrap the older man up in a giant hug. 

He loved reading books, especially mystery novels. He liked taking long walks and his favorite thing in the world was hot chocolate, but it was a luxury he could barely afford in his previous lifetime.

It was strange talking to someone who grew up during the Great Depression, someone who was raised thinking hot chocolate was an unthinkable luxury. According to Bucky, going to the doctor and meat were other luxuries he could not afford when he was growing up. He didn’t regret going off to war, but Bucky also had aspirations of going to college when he was younger that was crushed by the war efforts and he wasn’t a traditionally educated man. 

It intrigued Tony to learn about the man, everything about him making him even more interested in the enigma of man. But he still felt hung up on the fact that such an amazing man had grown up with nothing, when Tony had spent his entire 18 years of life in the lap of luxury. He grew up with more money than a child would ever know what to do with, and the ability to have whatever material objects his heart possessed. Though the purchase of objects was not the purchase of good and positive experiences and admittedly, his wealth had done nothing for his happiness. 

He drove fancy cars on raging benders as a teenager and wore sweatshirts more expensive than Rhodey’s entire wardrobe. And sure he drank expensive liquor ritually, but that did nothing to discount the fact that he had his first drink at 11 (while trying to numb the pain of his father’s belt and the words that hurt more than the strikes across his back) and he had gotten drunk for the first time at 12 when he finally realized that being blackout drunk was better than feeling depressed all the time. 

It certainly did nothing that combat the fact that he was an 18 year old with an alcohol addiction and self harm scars all over his tiny frame. There was something so undeniably fucked up about the fact that he was barely old enough to vote and yet he had a substance abuse issue a mile long. 

Bucky was softly snoring now. He had wanted to stay up with Tony, concerned about the boy’s mental health, but when they had reached the motel he looked like he was going to fall over. His entire being looked exhausted and Tony had quickly insisted he go to sleep because he his body had gone through a lot of trauma in his lifetime. 

The young man was now curled up on the one bed in the room, half laying on top of Tony’s lap and sharing his warmth. Every few seconds a long strand of his hair would float up and down as he exhaled and Tony counted the breathes like they were a lifeline. He barely knew the person leaning against him, but he already felt as if he would do anything for the man curled up on him. 

The moment it had started raining Tony had desperately wanted to wake Bucky up, remembering the offer of completing his bucket list together. But he looked so peaceful while he was sleeping and he was terrified of disturbing him or even worse, making him mad. Bucky had been nothing but kind to him all day and Tony tended to annoy people. They never wanted to spend time with him because he was annoying and he ruined everything. He was a hyperactive disaster, as Howard called him, and it was best for him to stay quiet and out of the way. 

However, he quickly became impatient and even his desire to not ruin his newly forming relationship couldn’t keep him at bay. He drummed his fingers against the scratchy fabric of the sheets and hummed a soft tune under his breath. But nothing could keep his hyperactive energy at bay and within five minutes he had softly shaken the man awake. 

“It’s raining,” He said innocently, when Bucky started grumbling and asking what was wrong and if Tony needed anything. He pointed to the window with large eyes, bouncing his butt up and down on the bed. He loved rain and had always wanted to go dancing to the beat of it drumming against hard pavement and soft grass and the nearly soundless plink of rain against the ocean. 

Bucky laughed, deep and rumbling due to his voice being groggy after just waking up. “I can see that, punk.”

He pulled himself off of Tony’s lap, moving to straighten his rumpled, long sleeve shirt that they had found in a store an hour or so worth of walking away from the warehouse. His eyes then lit up as if remembering something and he touched the side of Tony’s face with his warm, flesh hand. “ We going dancing, doll?” He asked earnestly. Rubbing little circles into Tony’s cold skin, the man’s entire demeanor changed like a light switch. 

Tony didn’t want to pressure Bucky to do anything he didn’t want to do, but he couldn’t help but excitedly nod his head yes. He really did want to go dancing in the rain, it was one of the earlier things on his bucket list, because when he had first thought of things he couldn’t die without doing he had been younger and more innocent and it had been one of his first thoughts. There was something so hopelessly romantic about holding someone close while it was pouring outside and you were the only thing the other could see in the haze and focus on them and the way your bodies moved together. 

“Here,” Bucky was standing now and he tossed Tony’s hoodie towards the teen. “Put this on before you go out, it’s cold out there kid.” The man ran a hand through his long hair, sticking his tongue out of the corner of his mouth when he smiled down at the still fidgeting boy on the bed. 

A warm blush tinted his face at the action. He knew he had some sort of attraction towards other guys in the past, but it had always been easy to ignore. He definitely liked girls as well, so he shoved his same gender attraction away into boxes in his head and focused on only like the opposite gender. He always labeled his same gender attraction as even more self hate than he already had. He ignored the thoughts at all costs, forcing himself to be straighter and not give into the thoughts that terrified him more than anything else in this entire world. He didn’t another reason for Howard to hate him and he certainly didn’t need another reason to hate himself.

He had never felt as flustered in front of another dude before in his life, however. This was not part of his life plan. He was supposed to finish his bucket list by nineteen and be in an early grave by twenty. He wasn’t supposded to have some a sexuaulity crisis over some guy he barely knew. He wasn’t even supposed to get attached to other people, death was hard when you had attachments. 

But Bucky was adorable, all long hair and cute smiles, he was hot as all heck and even sexy in a way that made Tony’s entire body feel red all over and his heart beat out of his chest. His long hair framed his gorgeous, big, bright blue eyes and his laugh and deep voice made Tony want to melt into a puddle on the floor. It made him want to be hugged and kissed and loved and dance in the rain. And even in this short amount of time, Tony felt more connected to this young man than anyone else in the entire world. Maybe, he thought, this was the true meaning of love at first sight. 

Bucky pushed the motel door open, rain automatically wetting the threshold of their room. He grasped Tony’s hand and gently tugged him outside onto the pavement. Moonlight bounced off of the wet pavement, making the parking lot appear like one giant, illuminated dance floor. 

The boy was shocked when he felt how warm the rain was. It was everywhere, in his hair and running down his face and in between his toes when his socks squished as he walked. Within what felt like seconds, his entire body was soaked with the warm liquid and the hoodie tightly hugged his tiny frame. It weighed him down, but at the same time it made him feel small and safe and protected- like he was being hugged by a warm ray of sunshine. Tony often complained about being small, but in reality he loved the way it felt to be so small you almost felt invisible. It was easier to hide from Howard this way and when his classmates ignored him at college for being too dumb or alternatively a smartass, he could fade into the background. 

Bucky pulled the boy close to his body, placing a large hand on the boy’s small waist. Tony was terrified of showing affection towards the other man and at first. He kept his body stiff and as straight as he swore his sexuality was. 

But Bucky was having none of it and he wiggled his hand under the fabric, rubbing his fingers over Tony’s waist and down his hips and tapping the inside of his thighs lightly. The sensation scared him equally as much as he loved it. The feeling of a man’s hands, rough and sturdy and large, touching him makes him want to melt into the touch and scream all at the same time. He felt like he was the love end of a wire and Bucky’s hands were making him come alive. 

Tony rested his head against Bucky’s collarbone and they started dancing slowly. They moved in time with the rhythm of the man's heartbeat and the rain thumping against the pavement around them. The point of contact on his waist felt like the only thing tying him to this moment. The ends of Bucky’s long hair tickled Tony’s skin as they swayed back and forth, waltzing through puddles and across the cracked parking lot. 

“In my day, fellas liking fellas was almost unheard of. But we were still there kid, just not in the public eye. We had our ways of getting around it, secret clubs and meeting places where only other people like us knew about.” They continued to dance as Bucky softly spoke to him, “I don’t know if things have changed much since then, doll,” he rubbed Tony’s skin softly, “but I just want you to know that if you like fellas, no one is judging you here. I like fellas too and there’s nothing wrong with either of us.”

Tony felt lost for words. He wanted to explain how much that meant to him to hear, that it’s the first time anyone has ever fully supported him. He wanted to ask what it meant if he likes both girls and boys, and if that makes him even weirder than if he only liked guys. But his words felt like they were not working and he instead took a leap of faith and decided to put all his emotions in his actions. Standing on his tiptoes, Tony tipped his head to the side and planted his lips softly against Bucky’s checks. 

He was terrified he was making a mistake, doing something dirty or bad or ruining the tiny shred of heterosexuality he was still holding onto. His entire childhood, his father had always told him that being gay as one of the worst, unmanly, un American and repulsive things a person could be. All of the causal homophobic comments, and worse the homophobic tirades and flat out alcohol, induced violence, had scared the boy shitless. He had known forever that he would rather be dead than gay, and he hated himself for not running away screaming the moment Bucky had put his hand on his waist and the moment he realized that he enjoyed it and wanted even more. 

But he hadn’t run away screaming, he had kissed the man on the cheek and it didn’t feel strange or dirty, or weird, or disgusting at all. It felt like waves crashing against the beach during low tide, calm amd cool and serene. It felt like all his happiness had squeezed itself into the space between his lips and the man’s skin; and it felt like he was finally being true to himself and doing something so right. Because how could it be wrong or bad if it felt this amazing, this right and if it caused him this much undeniable happiness. 

When Tony leaned back, Bucky was the only thing he could see through the haze of rain in the dark parking lot. He had the biggest smile splayed across his red tinted cheeks and his eyes were closed in bliss. It was so different than the pained expression the man had had on his face when had first woken up and thought Tony was his father. His entire being was filled with joy at the thought of being the cause of that smile. He was the reason that the man looked so content and it was radical to think about the fact that something as simple as a kiss on the cheek could hold that power. 

The man ran his large, wet hands over Tony’s arms. If they were inside and not soaking wet it would have warmed him, but sopping wet it only provided a cool sense of comfort to shudder through his entire body. 

Bucky pulled the small teenager close to his larger body, contorting himself to lean down and whisper into his ear. The hot breath on his skin made him shudder but he focused only on the words being spoken and the pitter pattering of the warm rain all around him and the feeling of being so undeniably loved in this moment. 

“Let’s go inside now, doll, I don’t want you to get a cold.” The air was warm, but Bucky was right in pointing out the fact that he was freezing. The wet hoodie weighed down his entire small body and he was shivering, his teeth heavy and clattering and his entire body shaking. 

Tony giggled softly when he realized that Bucky already seemed to care about him more than anyone else in his life, bar Jarvis who had raised him, and was trying to protect him from something as simple as a common cold. 

He wanted to protest and beg the man to stay outside longer and dance further in the moonlight, with the rain beating down on their backs and sliding between where their bodies touched. He wanted to kiss him and this time he wanted to do it on the lips. But he was cold and it was late out and he was exhausted. 

So Tony let the man guide him back into the motel room, letting out a surprised yelp when Bucky physically picked him up. He stood completely still as the man stripped off the wet clothing from his body. He felt warm and fuzzy when Bucky’s hands ghosted across his skin. 

The hoodie landed in a large and heavy wet pile on the floor with a loud squish. He shivered and whined slightly as soon as his wet skin came in contact with the cold air of the motel room, and Bucky shushed him by rubbing his hands over the man’s chest. He ran his hand over the smooth, pale skin- his two hands were almost as large as his entire torso. 

He let Bucky dry him off with a scratchy, off white towel from the bathroom connected to their small room. He then watched as the young man rifled through the bag from the same little store he had gotten the shirt at earlier. He tore the tags off of a soft looking pair of long grey sweatpants and a large navy blue t shirt with some sort of cute dinosaur symbol in the middle. 

Pulling the sweatpants over his own legs quickly, Bucky turned to slide the navy blue shirt over Tony’s skinny frame. The shirt was so long on the boy, it hit his lower thighs and looked more like a dress than a shirt. But Tony didn’t mind, it made him feel small and was warmer than standing naked and wet in the freezing cold room. 

“We were dumb and didn't get two, so I thought we could share the one pair of pajamas until we can get more.” Bucky explained, while helping Tony snuggle under the covers, turning of the lights and slotting himself next to him on the bed. “I haven’t owned something of my own in long, but I sure love the way you look in my clothing, doll.” 

Tony blushed bright red at the sentiment and he was pleased at the knowledge that the blush could not be seen in the darkness. He pressed his head against Bucky’s bare collarbone and upper chest, listening to his heartbeat and letting the silence and feeling of his hot cheeks against the man’s bare skin be the answer. 

Bucky ran his hand through Tony’s still wet hair and chuckled softly. “Sleep sweet thing, you’re exhausted and we can talk more in the morning.” 


	4. Chapter 4

When Tony Woke up, he felt panic clawing at his chest. His anxiety felt all consuming, his hands shook like hurricanes and he was having difficulty breathing. Every breath felt like a was fighting for his right to exist, kicking and screaming and forcing his body to prove that it was alive. 

He couldn’t believe he had kissed the man’s cheek last night. His waist burned where Bucky’s hands had been and his mind was screaming at him for being dirty and disgusting enough to show affection towards another man. 

It made him want to scream or shower under scalding hot water until his pale skin was red and covered in little welts or maybe cut himself and watch the red blood splash against white countertops. But at the same time, it made him want to kiss the man again (and this time on the lips and not the cheek). It made him want to dance in the rain every night and cuddle and hold hands and develop some sort of relationship with the young man he barely even knew, but already felt like he was falling for. 

Tony sat up, letting the comforter fall off of his small frame and frowning at the little pool of spit on Bucky’s upper chest from where his head had been resting. He sat there for a couple of minutes, simply trying to keep his breathing under control and not completely freak out at himself. 

The boy let out an earth shattering scream when he felt a hand on his wrist. He felt like he was falling, tumbling out of the cheap motel room bed and into his childhood bedroom in the mansion he had grown up in. He felt like his father was dragging him towards his closet, Tony’s wrist in one hand and an expensive bottle of scotch in the other. The hand on his wrist was pulling him, bodily dragging his small form across the splintery floor. 

He could hear himself screaming and part of him recognized that he was in some crappy motel room and not being locked in the closet of his childhood bedroom. He recognized that the darkness was not all consuming and it smelled like cheap laundry detergent and not expensive liquor. And the sun was streaming in from the window next to the bed, deep in contrast to the darkness of the closet his body was trying to convince himself he was locked in. 

“Hey doll,” Bucky’s voice was soft and sweet and broke through Tony’s confusion like sunbeams through clouds after a springtime rain shower. “Can I touch you sweetheart?” He asked earnestly, keeping his hands up in a surrender action so Tony could clearly see them. 

Tony felt like he was half in the motel, half in the darkness of the closet. But he was enough in the present moment to nod his head once, understanding what Bucky was asking him. Often times when he had panic attacks, he hated being touched. But in this moment, he desperately wanted to be touche and feel anything but Howard’s hard grasp on his wrist or the constricting walls of the tiny closet closing in on him. 

Bucky shifted to pull Tony into his lap. The boy was shaking horribly, but Tony let himself be cradled against the man’s chest like he was something precious and fragile. The man ran his fingers through his messy curls, whispering sweet nothings over and over again in his ear, hoping to help the boy calm down. 

It felt like forever before Tony fully felt like himself again. Forever of feeling like he couldn’t breath and like his body was being put through a paper shredder. And by that time his head was heavy against Bucky’s chest and rubbing in his hair had significantly slowed down. It was clear Bucky was tired, but he never stopped rubbing his finger in a calming manner, knowing it was making the teenager in his lap feel centered and less like he was teetering on the edge of a complete anxiety attack and mental breakdown. 

Bucky’s chin was resting on top of Tony’s head and for a second Tony just focused on the feelings of being small and loved and protected. He would never admit this allowed, but on of the reasons he was so attracted to men, was because he was attracted to the feelings of being small and loved. He was enthralled by the thought of not having to be ‘the man’ in a relationship, because they were both fucking men, and just focus on being himself. And soft and sweet and caring and crying whenever he needed to instead of fearing showing emotions. Tony’s sensitivity was beat out of him at a young age, but he prided himself on holding on to a little shard of his willingness to show emotions. 

“Maybe we can take it slow today, we could try to do one of the less adventurous things on that list of yours.” Bucky’s voice was low and Tony could feel it rumbling in his ear from being pressed close to his chest. The words were placed carefully in order to not trigger any further panic in the boy, and Tony was grateful for that fact. 

He leaned one hand out, blindly groping for the crumpled list on the bedside table. Finding it within a few seconds, Bucky pulled it close and carefully unfolded it. Placing it in front of his face, the man’s chin was still resting on top of Tony’s head, he quickly skimmed the words looking for something that sounded a little tamer than the others.

“We danced in the rain last night and you found me through ‘break into one of Howard’s stupid top secrets warehouses’, so how about we try…” Bucky paused, clearly trying to decide upon his suggestion. “Shut the front door!” He exclaimed, jostling Tony with his booming enthusiastic voice. “Let’s go get piercings, sweet thing.”

Tony giggled at the old sounding expression, getting a pat on the head from the man for breaking his uncomfortable silence and clearly coming back to himself, but nonetheless his ears perked up. He had wanted a nose piercing forever and post anxiety attack, in a borderline suicidal panic was always the best time to make permanent changes to your body. 

He knew the two of them should probably be figuring out why the fuck his father had had the Winter Soldier locked up in his super secret warehouse and why Bucky thought he was in the past and why he suddenly could remember things from a childhood that happened decades ago. 

They should be focusing equally on Tony’s will to live and the fact that they were currently completing a bucket list that he made when he was drunk and wanted so desperately to die that he had plotted out the exact steps he needed to take to feel like he had a complete life. Or the fact that Bucky grabbing his wrist had given the poor boy a flashback or the fact that he currently felt as unstable as a bridge over the Grand Canyon. 

But he wanted a nose piercing and it was easier to focus on punk jewelry that he would not only love, but would also piss of his father, rather than the terrifying thoughts of his own mind or the man he was sitting on who seemed to have an even more fucked up life experience than him; which was quite hard to achieve, so Bucky must of had a really fucked up life. 

It was quite unlikely, but maybe if they ignored their problems they would completely disappear and leave the two of them the fuck alone for once in their lives. If they don’t think about his anxiety or suicidal ideation or Howard Stark’s involvement in Bucky’s life or the fact that they were two dudes starting a non platonic relationship, then they could pretend the problems didn’t exist. Or better yet, they could pretend they were normal. 

“Alrighty, kid!” Bucky helped him off of his lap, giving his messy hair one more ruffle before softly pushing him off of the bed. Tony’s bare feet hit the ground with a small thud and he automatically hunched his body in on itself, trying to feel smaller and less obtrusive. 

Obviously noticing that he was uncomfortable, Bucky peeled himself off of the bed. His bare feet thudded right next to Tony’s and the man tentatively pulled him into a tight hug. Tony’s face was pressed right next to his chest and he listened to the man’s heartbeat, as Bucky’s hand ran from the top of his head to the base of his neck. 

“How about we get you ready for the day,” Bucky paused, pulling back slightly. “and then we can figure out where the hell one gets a piercing around here.” 

Tony laughed, but pulled the man closer once again. He wasn’t ready to let go of the warmth and affection Bucky had been providing. This morning had been beyond draining and he needed a little extra love today. 

“Alright,” Tony mumbled into the man’s chest. “But only if you promise to get a piercing too.” 

Bucky laughed, low and rumbling and Tony felt it through his entire small body. “You don’t have to worry about me, sweet thing. I’ve wanted a piercing since before you were born…” He paused, humming slightly, “Probably not a nose piercing, I’ll leave that one to you doll, but I’m thinking I’ll do an ear piercing.” 

Now Bucky actually pulled away from the boy and he caught Tony’s hand in his own. The teenager was still feeling anxiety ebbing at the corner of his mind, trying to pull him back into the panic of thinking about Howard and his less than stellar childhood and the abuse that seemed to be stored in the form of trauma in his body. 

But when he looked into Bucky’s eye’s, he almost automatically felt like his anxiety slipped away. Tony started down at the ground, blushing and giving a little smile. “Alright,” Tony’s voice was soft and small. “Can we hurry up though? I really want my piercing soooooon.” Tony drew out the ‘o’ in the word soon, finally looking up and batting his eyelashes. 

Bucky chuckled, “Alrighty, let’s get going!” Pulling Tony to his bathroom, the man looked back. “I would usually tease you, punk, but I’m glad to see you’re feeling a little better now so I’ll let your brattiness slide’ 

Tony stuck his tongue out at the man, finally feeling like his courage was coming back to him. He finally felt like Howard wasn’t going to materialize out of nowhere and hurt him if he messed up and was too loud or wild or simply existed in any space outside of his closet or really his mind. 

Bucky wet the edge of a rough blue washcloth from beside the sink. He lathered it up with soap from a little container on the cracked countertop and turned to the goofy boy next to him. Using one hand to push Tony’s curls back, he used the other to gently scrub at Tony’s skin. Scrunching his nose at being treated like a little kid who had gotten messy, Tony jerked to move his head away from the washcloth. 

“Sweet thing, I wouldn’t move if I were you. I have experience dealing with little punks like you who don’t want help cleaning up and my mother hen instincts will always win out.”

Tony giggled at Bucky’s words, his tongue adorably sticking out of the side of his mouth as he laughed. However, he still didn’t like the feeling of water dripping down his skin and he was thankful when the older man used the dry side of the washcloth to dry his skin. 

“Perfect!” Bucky commented, ruffling Tony’s hair. The teens face blushed bright red when Bucky’s lips planted a soft kiss against his cheek. But before he could comment on it or even pull away, Bucky was already pulling a new shirt over Tony’s tiny frame. The fabric pooled around his thighs and it felt more like a dress than a shirt. 

“You’re adorable, doll. Absolutely breathtakingly adorable.” 


	5. Chapter 5

“You look like the bee’s knees!” Bucky’s large hand softly pulled Tony’s head back by gripping his hair and tugging slightly. The man moved his head back and forth in order to view the little silver ring looped around the teenagers left nostril. 

Bucky was 4 or 5 inches taller than Tony and when the man looked down at the boy, one hand still gripping his hair, it made him feel even smaller. The combination of feeling small and the compliment made Tony’s face tint bright red and the boy shifted back and forth on his feet, dragging his sneakers over the cracked pavement of the sidewalk and bouncing up and down (his curls moving with each bounce).

“You don’t look too bad yourself.” Tony glanced at Bucky, his eyes mischievous and a smirk on his face. His heart raced to be complimenting another dude, but he shoved the emotions down and refused to acknowledge them. 

“You’re cute when you flirt.” Bucky winked at him, his lashes glistening with what Tony wondered was a tear. 

He wanted to ask about it, see what had made the man feel so sad. But Bucky clearly didn’t want to be asked as he spun on his heels to face the large wooden structure in front of them. 

It was summer and after they had gotten their piercings and were trying to figure out what to do next, they had thought ‘4: climb a roller coaster’ would be a major no go. Climbing roller coasters definitely felt like a dead-of-summer-nobody-else-is-around kind of thing and they didn’t want to risk getting caught and/or arrested. 

Tony Stark was really, really, really rich which usually bought people immunity from stupid arrests like climbing roller coasters. But his father hated him and he doubted Howard Stark would spend a cent to get his fuck up, gay, ADHD disaster son and the secretly hidden Winter Solider out that had broken out of his facility of trouble. Tony knew Howard would throw him under the bus even more if he found out that they had been dancing together and showing affection like a ‘a bunch of dirty, freaky queers’. 

So no, they were not in the mood to be arrested. However when one of the patrons at the piercing shop had pointed them in the direction of an abandoned amusement park after overhearing them trying to make plans, they felt like the world was listening to them. And now here they were, Bucky’s muscles bulging as he helped pull the younger man up from the ground and onto the creaky wooden frame of the roller coaster. 

The roller coaster wasn’t that tall and the space between the half rotten wooden slats were small enough that it felt like they were climbing a sloped latter. They didn’t talk much as they climbed, rather only worrying about making sure the next handhold wouldn’t fall off and send them plummeting to their deaths. 

When they reached the highest point of the rollercoaster, right before the track curved down into the first drop of the ride, they settled down onto the wood. The entire rollercoaster seemed to sway under the pressure of their bodies and Tony wondered for a second what would happen if the support beams snapped and they actually did fall and die; he wasn’t sure he would mind it, to be quite honest. 

Howard had hurt him his entire life and the man had made it very clear that he didn’t give a shit about his son. So why should he care about himself, when he was clearly worth so damn little?

Tony dug one hand into the soft skin on his thigh, pinching the skin once before Bucky swatter his hand away. The other hand wrapping around the creaking wooden support beam. In front of them the sun was setting and Tony watched as blues and pinks and yellows all mix together like a painter mixes oils on a canvas. 

He turned to stare at Bucky, watching the sun set in the reflection of his dilated pupils and the shiny metal of his arm.

Tony wanted to reach out and run his fingers through the man’s soft brown hair or kiss him until he forgot the self hatred that filled his body like an overflowing sink. He was terrified that without a connection to this beautiful man next to him, he would fall right off the rollercoaster and fall to the ground. It had been such a short amount of time, but the man next to him already felt like everything to him. 

Tony was leaning against Bucky now, the warm side of his body smushed against the cool metal of Bucky’s arm. The man was sitting stiff however and Tony was unsure if it was due to them being hundreds of feet into the air on an unstable abandoned roller coaster or if he was uncomfortable with the touch from the younger man. 

When Bucky started speaking Tony felt it rumble throughout his entire body. “When I first woke up, I was terrified because I thought you were a man that had hurt me really really badly, doll.” 

Bucky took in a shuddering breath, squeezing Tony tight. “ I thought that Howard had somehow figured out a way to turn back time.” Tony shuddered at his father’s name, but let the man continue speaking. “I was so scared that the man who had been hurting and abusing me and brainwashing me for years had figured out a way to make my suffering infinite. I thought that he was trying to prove to me that I could never escape. That I was Hydra’s little slave until they finally broke me to the point where I could no longer do their dirty work anymore.”

Tony squinted and the sunset blurred in his vision to the point where he felt like he was trapped in an abstract painting. He didn’t want to push the man he felt so connected to past his limits, but he wanted to know more. He wanted to know what Hydra was how his dad was involved and why they were hurting someone as amazing as Bucky. 

According to Bucky’s description, it sounded like Howard had been hurting the young man for years; and Tony wouldn’t put it past him. Howard was a horrible person and it came as no shock that he was hurting someone as amazing as Bucky, but this entire thing seemed nefarious- like it was a thinly veiled evil plot. 

“What did Howard do to you exactly?”

Bucky sighed at the question, shifting ever so slightly away from Tony. “Howard is a member of a very bad organization called Hydra. I did unspeakable things with them, doll, and I’m just glad you found me and go time out of there before I could do anything else I regret.” 

Tony felt a tear land softly in his wavy hair and he heard the man above him moan and shudder slightly, as if he was trying to hold sobs in. “I don’t want to talk about it a lot, sweet thing. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I’m scared if I start talking about it that the appearance of the ground from up here will become too inviting and you’re giving me something to live for and care about, and I don’t want to waste it for anything. I’m also supposed to be the strong one and I don’t want to hurt you by breaking down.”

Tony slowly shook his head, nestling in closer to the man. Bucky felt warm and safe and all the way up here, surrounded by the warm night air and the skyline, he wanted nothing more than to feel the safety of Bucky’s arms. 

“But anyways,” Bucky was speaking again now and Tony focused on the way the man’s chest rumbled like thunder when he spoke. “I was terrified for myself. Howard and Hydra in general had hurt me so badly, that my safety was the only thing on my mind. But then I saw you, doll.” Tony shuddered as the metal of Bucky’s touched the side of his face tentatively. “And you were such a scared, sweet little thing, and I realized that regardless of having a seemingly sucky life, it’s not all about me all the time. You were so scared and adorable and I just wanted to scoop you into my arms and protect you not only from Howard, but from the world in general ].”

Bucky was more relaxed now and he let Tony settle against his side, using his metal hand to softly ran his fingers through Tony’s hair. “When I started to take a step away and realize that it’s not all about me and started to unpack the protective feelings I had for you, well I realized that even though I’ve had my mind messed with for years and I’ve been hurt terribly by the man you call a father, maybe I wasn’t hurt the worst by Howard Stark… or maybe it isn’t even a competition at all. Because maybe… well he’s not very nice to you, is he love?” Bucky asked in a tentative manner, his prior confidence disappearing within a single second.

Tony kept his eyes on the still setting sun, not wanting to confirm what the man probably already knew to be the truth. Sure Howard was an abusive asshole who he hated with his entire being and maybe he did want to scream and cry and drink himself to death. But he didn’t need Bucky, perfect, amazing Bucky who treated him like he was precious and fragile, to know that he was so weak, even his own father had hurt him. 

He didn’t want the man he felt so attached to knowing how worthless or dumb he was. He didn’t want Bucky to witness that he was unable to control himself or his queerness or see his spectualr ability to fuck everything up. 

And god forbid, Bucky see the self hate oozing out of his entire being and realize that he wasn’t joking when he called this a ‘before I die list’. This was a list he had created because he had been under the influence and planning to take his own life as soon as humanly possible. 

Death always seemed to be in the near future- an unavoidable fact of his miserable, stupid life. Tony Stark knew suicidal ideation like the back of his hand or the knowledge of how to make a simple circuit board. All throughout his entire life he had the thought in the back of his mind that if it all became too much, he had an easy out. His actions were all precursors leading up to an early grave.

Before Bucky had entered his life the only people who had cared about him were Jarvis and Rhodey. One of them was dead and he figured Rhodey would have the ability to get over the death of a fuck up gay freak like Tony. 

His best friend would probably live a happier life when he was gone and Tony would do anything to make his best friend happy. He loved him dearly, but no matter how much Rhodey begged for him to stop thinking so negatively and value his life more- he never did change. Howard had hurt him to the point where even his best friend’s pleads to value his life more couldn't change a thing.

“Sometimes I feel like he wishes I was better off dead… and I know that it’s bad, but I agree with him.” Tony felt like the world was stopping it’s orbit as he shared with Bucky. “When I was little, I used to think he would wake up one day and stop hurting me and maybe start loving me one day.” 

Tony was laughing now, a dark, raspy laugh full of sarcasm and self deprecating humor. It was hard to believe that he ever thought Howard would suddenly start loving him. “But he never did and the beatings, well they only got worse; and here I am today, an 18 year old drunken, suicidal mess who is scared of his own shadow and hides under beds when he’s scared. I hate him so much and the only hatred stronger than my hate for him, is his hate towards me.” 

Tony was pulled tight like a string and Bucky softly and methodically tugged at Tony’s hair in time with the beat of the roller coaster swaying, hoping to calm the younger male down. He ran the pads of his cool metal fingers over his scalp and scratched in just the right places until Tony’s tension was metaling like the colors of the sunset. 

“I don’t need him to be the dad of the year or anything… I just wanted him to stop hating me for being a fuck up and an ADHD disaster… and gay.” Tony paused before the word ‘gay’ because it was the first time he was ever saying those words allowed to someone else and the syllables seemed to catch in his throat. 

He kicked his feet out, watching them dangle and trying to block objects on the ground from his vision with the surface of his shoes. It was almost completely dark now and he knew they would soon have to return to the ground and probably find their way back towards the motel for the night. 

But for now, he let himself only live in this moment. He felt like he was floating and he wasn’t sure if it was due to the height or the warm, fuzzy feelings of love pumping through his veins. 

Bucky had somehow pivoted his body on the rickety wooden frames to be staring at Tony, while still holding him close. His flesh hand was running circles over Tony’s cheeks softly, before the man leaned in to peck his cheek. 

“Howard Stark is a very bad man, love. But we have each other now and I swear that man will never hurt either of us again.” Bucky kissed Tony’s cheek one more time. “He won’t hurt us, doll, not on my watch.” 

It was getting dark out now, the sun having completely set behind the sightline of dark, brooding clouds and other abandoned amusement park rides, and Tony knew they would soon have to climb back down the roller coaster. He didn’t want them to get stuck on the top of the large wooden contraption, but he also didn’t want to leave. 

This moment felt perfect. He was leaning up against someone he loved, feeling loved and cared about and he was genuinely talking about his feelings. He was used to keeping his feeling pent up or only letting them manifest in toxic, self harming behaviors. However, he was starting to learn that talking about his feelings was far superior than chugging liquor until he was black out drunk. 

He leaned into the man next to him, smelling something fruity and laundry detergent. It hurt him to the core to think about what Howard must’ve done to Bucky. He felt like he should be more surprised that his father was part of some creepy secret evil organization, but in reality it didn’t surprise him at all. 

Howard Stark was truly evil, despicable man. His father had proved that to him the moment he had first laid his hands on him as a child and he continued to prove it in every homophobic remark and psychical blow and continued disregard of his intelligence and existence in general. 

Howard Stark thought he was less than the dirt on the bottom of his shoes and when he saw how hurt Bucky was due to the same man, it made him even more enraged. He tended to have a complete lack of disregard for his own well being and sanity, but Bucky was worth more than a million of him and he would do anything to protect the sweet young man who was stuck in other time, yet graciously helping him grow and complete all of the goals on a list many other would regard as stupid. 

“I feel like we’re both a little bent out of shape, sweet thing, but we’re definitely not completely broken.” Tony focused on the flicker flashing light of a helicopter in the sky and the sound of Bucky’s heartbeat as the man spoke. “I left a lot behind in my past life, some of which I don’t even remember because your father and other evil people just like him stole my memories from me. But I do remember my best friend, his name was Steve and he was an adorable little punk just like you.”

Usually the mention of Captain America made him want to scream or cry or down the nearest alcoholic beverage. Howard loved Steve far more than he would ever love his own son and it made him simultaneously nauseous and insecure. But he knew it was important to Bucky, so he ignored the thoughts. 

“I feel like I messed up with him so much. Kid was always getting into fights and he was just as scrappy as you for the longest time, so he never won them. I haven’t seen him in what I assume is decades and you’re the first person that I have ever cared about since then, so please let me care about you. Let’s ignore Howard Fucking Stark and finish up that list of yours and make it a ‘to live for list’. We’ve only known each other a short amount of time, but I refuse to lose you, love. Me and you are going to be together till the end of the line.”

Tony smiled, letting the warm summer air surround him and closing his eyes, because that sounded fucking perfect. Maybe with Bucky at his side, things would finally start to look up for him.


	6. Chapter 6

“Hey doll,” The man drawled in a thick Brooklyn accent, heavy and sweet like honey. “Can you pass me the salt?” Bucky’s lips quirked up in a smirk when Tony’s cheeks tinted bright red at the nickname. He barely knew this guy, though admittedly the whole stint on top of a roller coaster a few hours earlier did make them feel infinitely more connected, and he was calling him sweet nicknames like he was some flapper in the 1920’s. 

Tony fumbled to pass the salt. He felt flustered as Bucky looked at him, the man’s eyes staring intensely into his own, and his face became even redder. He tapped lightly on his thigh over and over again, trying to expel some of his characteristic hyperactive energy. 

The small round table had just enough room to fit their heaping plates full to the brim with cheeseburgers and french fries; strawberry milkshakes frothy, foaming up and spilling down the sides of the glass diner cups. The red vinyl booth glistened under fluorescent lights and in the moonlight soaking in from the large window next to the booth. It was nearing 2 in the morning and they were the only two patrons of the 24 hour dinner. 

Neon lights reflected from the ‘open’ sign on the opposite side of the window onto Bucky’s face. The light reflected in his dilated pupils and the sheen of his long hair made the young man look like a retro print vinyl cover or a comic book villain. 

“What, are my favorite diner fries not good enough for you grandpa?” Tony teased lightheartedly, letting his hand dart across the table to catch a glob of ketchup running down the man’s face with his outstretched finger. He then licked the condiment of his finger, wiggling his eyebrows in a mock seductive manner. 

“You’re gross, pal.” Bucky whined, trying to ignore the obscene appearance of the teenager sucking his fingers into his mouth and slathering them with his spit. However a blush quickly tinted his cheeks and Bucky let his hair fall into his face hoping to cover it. 

Tony continued to suck at his fingers, making credulous and obscene noises with his mouth. Wet popping sounds lay heavy in the air until like a rubber band snapping, Bucky leaned across the table and caught Tony’s jaw in his hand. He paid no attention to the sleeve of his jacket running through the ketchup on his plate and only on the way Tony leaned into the grasp on his chin. 

The teenager felt like he was going to come apart at the seams and melt into a pile of warmth on the floor. He stared into Bucky’s lust filled eyes and a heavy Brooklyn accent growled at him, “You better stop making those noises if you know what’s good for you, sweet thing.”

Tony knew he should tread carefully in this situation. He did not want to upset the man he adored, the person he fell into love with like he was skydiving from a thousand foot high cliff. But his brain was heavy with arousal and love and the overwhelming need to be wanted by someone. He needed Bucky to love him, because in a fucked up way, Tony truly did not love himself. He needed someone to kiss him until he forgets and in a strange sense he needed someone to be in charge and forceful in a way that actually felt good. 

He had spent his entire life being hurt by his father, pushed and pulled and abused until he broke into a million little pieces. Every time Howard hurt him, it crushed him even more. It made him feel worthless and tired and so done with life that it hurt. He was so fucking tired of being the broken abused boy. He was done feeling worthless. He was done wanting to die. He had things to live for now. Someone to live for. 

And at this moment sitting in a 24 hour dinner in the middle of the night, with a man he had already gone on several crazy adventures with, all Tony needed was to be loved. He needed Bucky to love him and promise to never, ever leave the boy alone again. Tony couldn't be alone because without Bucky he couldn’t survive a single second in this world any longer. He would either kill himself or let Howard fucking beat him to death, but he would not continue this life without Bucky. He simply couldn’t. 

Tony pulled the fingers from his mouth with a wet pop, using the spit covered fingers to push Bucky’s own hand harder into his flesh. If he had a bruise tomorrow he would take it as a proud sign of the love the man had for him, rather than the cruel sign of abuse his bruises usually were.

“If you want me to stop so badly, you should make me” He said, titling his head to the side for a single second before Bucky’s mouth came crashing into his own. 

At first the kiss was messy, their teeth clicking together and their bodies awkwardly held over the table of food.Tony didn’t quite know what to do with his hand at first and he quickly tried to put them in Bucky’s hair and pull him closer. But the man pulled away, panting before whispering to the younger male. “Just let me have control, doll. I know it’s scary, but I’m gonna take care of you, sweet thing. You just have to trust me.” 

And Tony really did trust Bucky, so he let his eyes flutter shut as the man pulled him closer by the chin. Bucky bit down on his lip and Tony moaned into his mouth. It sounded like a kitten purr and Bucky giggled into his mouth, nestling their foreheads together as he pulled away for air. 

For the first time since this encounter started, Tony realized that he was showing affection towards another man in a public place. He was kissing and moaning and blushing bright red over another man in a diner and for once in his life, he didn’t fucking care. 

Howard wasn’t here and he couldn’t hurt him or Bucky anymore. They were safe from the man that haunted both of their dreams and they were truly going to be ok. 

Bucky leaned in to kiss him again, and this time he had his metal hand around Tony’s throat as his eyes softly closed. His large hand was gently squeezing and letting Tony know that he was there both by the pressure and the cool metal against his skin. 

“You’ve been hurt for so long, punk. I can see it in every flinch of your eyelashes and the way you scrunch your nose or cower when I come from behind or touch your back.”

  
  


Tony’s sleeve was dragging in ketchup and strawberry milkshake, but he ignored it and focused only on the feelings of metal on warm flesh and the endorphins running through his body.

“It’s ok to let go now, sweetheart. I promise I’m going to take care of you.”

Tony sighed at the reassuring words, a large exhale blowing against Bucky’s lips, and the man pressed his lips against Tony’s once more before pulling away.

“Now finish your food, punk. We’re in no position to be wasting food right now and you’re too scrappy to miss any meals anyways.” Bucky giggled to himself before he stuffed a handful of fries into his mouth. “God, things really haven’t changed much for me since the great depression. I’m hanging out with scrappy kids, rationing our food and talking about emotions. All you have to do is go and punch somebody twice your size and we have all the bases covered.”

Tony giggled, strawberry milkshake spilling out of the corner of the mouth and splashing against his own pile of fries. “If I punch Howard, can it be even. Because he really fucking deserves to be punched.”

Bucky leaned over the table to pat Bucky’s soft curls. “That would definitely make it even, but perhaps we can stay away from punching the abusive asshole. You’re adorable, punk, but something tells me you couldn’t take that monster in a fight.”

Tony shuddered at the words, because he knew first hand that he really couldn’t take Howard in a fight. He wasn’t sure if it was a psychological or emotional thing, but every time Howard came within five feet of him, his brain shut off and his body froze and he turned into a terrified, cowering mess. His father terrified him and he couldn’t help his body’s natural fight or flight response to a man who had done nothing but traumatize him. 

“Sorry, doll. I wasn’t thinking and that wasn’t particularly kind.” 

Tony was quick to placate the man. “If anyone has a right to make jokes about Howard being an abusive dickhead, it’s you. So don’t even worry about it.”

Bucky sighed in relief, “Alrighty then. How about you finish your food so we can head out. After so long you would think I was finished sleeping for a lifetime, but I’m somehow exhausted.”

Tony leaned in to kiss Bucky one more time, before he went to finish his food. Bucky ran his metal fingers over the side of Tony’s face and he felt his skin shudder under the contact. It was amazing to think that he was able to show such casual affection to a man in public and it filled his entire being with a warm sense of love and joy. 

“I’m glad I found you.” Tony whispered around a bite of his burger. “I hate that it was through me trying to screw Howard over, because I don’t want that man anywhere near someone as perfect as you. He’s already messed up my life enough and I can’t have him messing this up too. You’re too important to me at this point, to let my horrible father ruin anything between us.” 

Bucky blushed a soft pink color. “Ya, I’m glad you found me too. I’m a little scared to be in a new time, so far away from everything I know, but at this point I wouldn’t trade it for anything. You mean too much to me.”

Tony felt like his heart was going to explode and he tilted his head to the side, his self doubt seeping into the next question he asked. “Do you really mean that, Bucky?”

The man smiled sweetly. “Yes, doll. I really do mean that. I know I haven’t known you for a very long time or anything, but you’ve wormed your way into my heart and I care about you deeply.”

Tony watched the milkshake slowly melt and pool on the surface of the table. He wasn’t used to people loving him. Jarvis definitely did love him when he was little. The memories of the older man kissing his cuts and bruises and scrapes whenever he was hurt by Howard, as well as all the times the man reminded Tony of how much he was loved, were preserved in his mind ever since he was a small child. 

He was also pretty sure Rhodey platonically loved him. His best friend stood by him through thick and thin, never leaving him even when he felt like a hot mess and like he didn’t deserve friends or love or affection at all. Tony missed Rhodey, in fact, and he was hoping to see his best friend as soon as humanly possible. 

His parents had never really loved him. Howard was a shithead and that was that, but when he was younger he used to hope Maria would love him one day. That thought quickly left when she seemed to condone the abuse and he hadn’t looked back after. Life was rough and he had only so much capacity for healing and moving on from a situation. Watching your husband abuse your small child and not caring the slightest, was just one of those things Tony refused to heal and move on from. Which to be fair was quite reasonable, but it still made him nauseous to think about the fact that his mother let her son be hurt by her husband. 

There was also the issue of self image that had to be dealt with, because for all intents and purposes, up until this point Tony hated himself. He drank and cut himself and put himself into risky sexual situations frequently. He had no self preservation skills and he tended to live from one poor decision to another. 

But sitting here, next to someone as strong as Bucky was, he couldn’t help but think about the one number on his list that was more daunting than any other: ‘ Number 5: tell myself I love me and really mean it’. Up until this point he didn’t think it was possible, but maybe it was. 

Maybe he just had to admit to himself that he was worth more than being hurt by himself and others. He deserved better because he was strong and intelligent and amazing, regardless of what other people said to him, and because he… well he loved himself. 

“Hand me the list and the pen.”

Bucky was startled by Tony’s sudden words, but he still stumbled to hand over the aforementioned objects. 

Smoothing the paper out on a clean spot of the table, Tony hastily check of number five (before it was too late to take his own thoughts back).

Bucky glanced over at list curiously and when he saw what Tony had checked off, a large smile flashed across his face. He leaned forward, over the many plates of food, and planted a soft kiss on Tony’s check “I’m proud of you, doll. Really fucking proud of you.”


	7. Chapter 7

Bucky nervously shifted from one foot to the other as they waited outside a small door, peeling with red paint. The man’s head was tipped forward and he was clearly trying to hide his face with his hair. But Tony was having none of it and he reached forward, standing on his tiptoes and using nimble fingers to tuck long strands of brown hair behind the other man’s ear. 

Ever since Tony had rung the doorbell, only seconds earlier, Bucky had appeared to be a nervous mess. He had gone from his metal arm comfortably rested around Tony’s waist, to it being hidden underneath a jacket they had purchased near the Metro North Train Station earlier that day. 

It was summer and the man was clearly sweltering hot, but he didn’t want to interfere with the man’s clear desire for some sort of comfort in covering up as his arm as much as possible (his hand was still visible)- so Tony ignored it. He rather focused on preparing himself, smoothing his wavy hair down and adjusting the long shirt that hung to his thighs and made him appear even smaller than he usually did. 

The door swung open in front of them with a loud creaking sound and out of the corner of his eye, Tony could see Bucky standing stock still. The man had been so sweet and warm with him, that he had forgotten that fact that Bucky hadn’t had real, normal human interaction in decades. He was used to being abused and hurt and forced to do other people’s dirty work and it must be hard for him to snap back into the swing of life (especially when he is so out of his time and comfort zone).

Tony’s thoughts stopped racing when he saw the man in front of him and he went barreling into his best friend’s embrace, jumping up and wrapping his legs around the older man’s waist. Rhodey entire body stumbled backwards at the force. 

The man looked confused, shocked even, at first. But he quickly schooled his emotions and within a second he was cradling the smaller boy close to his body. A lopsided grin was on his face and the man was simultaneously rocking Tony back and forth like a small child and petting his fluffy hair. Tony quickly became too heavy and he had to place him gently back on the ground.

“For god's sake, Tones, I thought you were an axe murderer or something!” He exclaimed, pulling Tony close for a soft hug before freezing in his tracks when he caught sight of Bucky over Tony’s shoulder.

“I love you, kid. But I am confused out of my mind right now about what you’re doing here and in general I feel like you have some explaining to do.” Rhodey said through gritted teeth, pulling Tony closer and away from Bucky. “Maybe you should start with explaining who the twenty-something year old man, with a metal arm and body of a viking, standing on my porch is?”

Tony nervously giggled, unsure of how to answer, but he realized he only made the situation worse when he felt Rhodey pull him so close they were particularly one person. Rhodey was crazy protective and if he sensed any danger he turned into a mixture of a body guard and a mother hen. 

“It’s not everyday my idiotic, but lovable,” He quickly added, knowing it would make Tony feel insecure to be called idiotic if it was not clearly a loving joke. “best friend, roommate, and pretty much little brother shows up at my doorstep with a mystery man who looks like he’s about to murder someone…” Bucky’s face became stormy at this comment and Rhodey added, “Or cry.”

As if realizing what he just said, Rhodey stiffened against him, but still let Tony have just a little more space. “I don’t even know you, man, but you look like you could really use a hug and I’m worried about the reason for that.” 

Rhodey pushed Tony into the house now, keeping the door open but still making sure Tony was protected, as he tentatively walked the foot across the porch to meet Bucky. He was shorter than Bucky, but not by much and Rhodey looked straight into his eyes when he asked his question. “Do you need a hug, dude? They’re usually reserved for the doofus inside the house, and boy does he need a lot of love and attention 24/7, but you seem to really need one right now and i’ve been told many times that I give great hugs.”

Bucky looked tense and for a second Tony thought he would refuse the offer, but he quickly started speaking. “Um ya, a hug would be nice and we’re here to eat food from someone named ‘Mama Rhodes’... apparently she makes really good cornbread and it’s a must have.”

Rhodey face cracked into a grin and he was hysterically laughing now as he pulled Bucky into a tight hug. “I still don’t know who you are, but my Mama does make the best cornbread and your here with Tones… so you must be all right.”

Rhodey pulled away from the hug, dragging Bucky into the house by his flesh arm and depositing him next to his best friend. 

“You,” He started, pointing a finger right in Tony’s face. “Have some explaining to do, dork. But for now go settle yourself on the couch, the kid knows where it is.” He added to Bucky. “I’m going to get some cornbread and yams and maybe some collard greens heated up for you guys while Tony gets his head and story straight.”

Tony was full out giggling now, skipping down the hallway and into the living room like a hyperactive child- pulling Bucky by the hand. He plopped down on the worn yellow couch with a large sigh and patted the cushion next to him for Bucky to sit down. The train ride and been quite long and Tony was clearly feeling a little sleepy.

The man obliged and the minute his back hit the cushion, Tony was curled into his side like a kitten. The small teen’s head was rested on Bucky’s chest and pulled on Bucky’s metal arm until it settled over his side and his other hand started playing with Tony’s curls- gently tugging them every few seconds. 

Tony thought Rhodey was going to drop the cornbread when he returned and found his best friend and the stranger, to him, curled up in his couch. But it appeared that Rhodey had gotten his bearings together while he was in the kitchen and he only looked at the two of them with a curious glance before settling in an equally worn armchair opposite the couch. 

Rhodey was the only person Tony had ever confided his same gender attraction in and he knew it was safe to be himself in front of his best friend. But it still made his heart swell when he processed that Rhodey was looking at him no differently than if Bucky was a girl and he was treating this situation like it was completely normal. 

“So,” Rhodey started, passing Tony a piece of cornbread, already slathered with butter, before he could whine and demand his best friend give him a piece. “What exactly is going on here? Because I am really, really confused right now. ”

He questioned and Tony rolled his eyes as if his strange actions were the most obvious thing in the world. When he started speaking he was talking a mile a minute and he slowed down every few seconds when Rhodey sent him a look that screamed ‘slow down or I’ll take your cornbread’. 

“So this is Bucky, he’s my… well he’s my maybe boyfriend,” Bucky nodded at this and Tony grinned. “who was locked in this really weird metal ice thingy in my dad’s secret warehouse. Oh ya, I wound up breaking into my dad’s secret warehouse after the whole disaster party, when I was drunk and a hot anxious mess. He thought I couldn’t break in, but I totally could. I did it Rhodey, I managed to break into his dumb warehouse.”

Tony puffed out his chest in pride and Rhodey couldn’t help but smile at his adorable best friend and mumble, “You sure did, that’s a good boy Tony.” In a sweet tone, before pushing once more “Now tell me more about the entire situation.”

So Tony continued hastily speaking. “It turns out my dad is evil, which I kinda already knew.” Rhodey snorted, “Hitting kids is pretty evil if I do say so myself. But now I know that he’s like really really evil. He’s worse than hitting kids evil,” Bucky tugged his hair gently. “I guess that’s still really evil, but he’s also like bad guys in movies kidna evil and they were hurting Bucky real bad.” The man tensed under him and when he dropped his grasp from his hair Tony ran a hand over his arm reassuringly. “And I kinda saved him, but not really cause he more saved me.”

Tony paused to breath and Bucky added a soft, “We saved each other, punk.” before Tony continued his story. 

“We went dancing in the rain and climbed a roller coaster and got piercings, mine is a really cool nose one and I even think I may love myself now…even if it’s just a little bit” 

Tony rambled on and on about the past week or so with Bucky, until Rhodey finally cut him off. 

“Oh shit,” Rhodry scrambled to kneel in front of the boy, one hand running through his other and the other checking for a pulse to prove to his mind that Tony was still there and very much alive and breathing. “Please don’t tell me you’re completing everything on that stupid suicide wishlist of yours, the one you made that night after your dad called and you were piss drunk and depressed. I can’t lose you, kid, not yet and it sounds like you’re trying to complete that stupid list that I should’ve thrown out the moment I realized how dangerous it was and that it was actual, real incentive for you to kill yourself”

Tony smiled sheepishly, hiding his face in Bucky’s chest because he knew it was not a good response to his best friends rightful concern.

“Yes it is that list, but before you freak out you need to understand something important. The thing is, Rhodey, I don’t think it’s a ‘before I die’ list anymore. It’s still a ‘Fuck Howard Stark’ list, for sure. But I think it may not be a ‘before I die list’, because I’m starting to think that dying may not be my only option anymore and it probably isn’t even a good option at that.”

Rhodey was crying now, big fat tears falling onto Tony’s skin and Bucky was holding him close, playing with his hair and kissing the side of his head gently. 

“For the longest time all I could think about was death and how quickly I wanted it to come. Howard hurt me so badly that I thought I had no other options. I would cut myself and drink and I don’t think I’m 100% better or anything, because I still think about Howard all the time and sometimes I want to hurt myself when I panic. But I’m starting to think that death is not the only option and that I can definitely work towards getting better and finding more, healthier options with dealing with the shit Howard did to me.”

Tony pulled away from Bucky’s side and sat up. He leaned forward and gave Rhodey a tight hug, grasping his hand and holding tight before he turned to the man next to him. Still holding Rhodey’s hand, he leaned in to connect his lips with Bucky’s in a short, sweet kiss. 

A warm breeze ruffled his hair as he pulled away. Catching Bucky’s hand in his own, he squeezed both men’s hands at the same time. 

“I think I just completed the last object on the list. I fell head over heels in love and big surprise, I not only don’t want to die, I want to live so badly for both you guys.”

He turned to Rhodey, letting the man run his fingers through his hair and watching tears track down his face.”You’ve been there for me forever, Rhodey-Bear. It wouldn’t be fair for me to leave you alone after all that and we have so many crazy best friend shenanigans we still have to do.”

He then turned to Bucky, the man pulled him into another kiss and he let his eyes flutter shut. He felt like his entire world was falling into place in that one kiss and it made him feel so undeniably alive and healthy. 

“He hurt us both, but I’m ready to stay alive and fight for our love and our right to exist. Were going to proove that we’re better than Howard Fuckign Stark by living our best lives and thriving. I’m ready to live Bucky, I’m ready to live.”

Bucky smiled at him, kissing him a final time before whispering. “Me too, love. Me fucking too.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic took a lot of collaboration and love, so leave a comment if you dig it and I would appreciate it a lot !! :D


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